Action Fans Guide to the 2013 Best Pictures

 

HughJackmanLesMiserables

 

Dear Ben,

I watched the Oscars last night and felt so out of it because I hadn’t seen any of those movies they were talking  about. I was too busy watching The Avengers, Skyfall, and The Hobbit to catch those dramas. Which ones should I see and which ones are gonna bore me to death?

– Concerned action guy that I made up to begin this blog

Well, all nine of this year’s best picture nominees are great films. It’s an extremely diverse package, though, and chances are most will have clear favorites and ones they’re not interested in.  Here is a quick look at the best picture noms from least action packed to most action packed.

9. AMOUR

amour

Yeah, it’s pretty much about an old lady whose dying and her husband struggling to take care of her. It’s a painfully realistic look at the death process as we slowly watch this woman get worse and worse until she dies. This is not an entertaining film, it’s an experience and a piece of real life. The acting is so good. SO GOOD. I didn’t feel like I was watching actors; I felt like I was just watching old people.

BEST ACTION SCENE:
Not a lot going on in this movie except old people dying, but not by explosions or getting run over or anything. There is nearly five minutes of a man trying to catch a pigeon with a blanket. But the he just lets it go.

BEST ONE LINER:
Anne – “What would you say if no one came to your funeral?”

Georges –  “Nothing, presumably.”

FOR FANS OF:
Red, Rambo

8. LINCOLN

lincoln

You can guess from the title what this movie is about. But don’t be fooled. There are no vampires. This is Abraham Lincoln: political master. It’s all about passing the 13th amendment. So it’s really just scene after scene of people talking to each other. Sometimes they talk upset. Sometimes they talk happy. Lincoln sits around and tells a lot of stories. I kept waiting for him to talk about when he went forward in time through a phone booth to help those two dudes pass their history exam, but he never mentioned it.

BEST ACTION SCENE:
There is a short scene of a battle during the war. It’s violent, but only PG-13 violent. It’s nowhere near as graphic as Speilbergs Saving Private Ryan.

BEST ONE LINER:
Lincoln – “I am the president of the United States of America, clothed in immense power! You will procure me those votes!”

FOR FANS OF:
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

7. LE MISERABLES

lemis

Here is a musical where they sing every line. It’s about a bunch of stuff during the french revolution. It’s a love story. Not much here for the action fan, even though it has Wolverine versus Maximus.

BEST ACTION SCENE:
There are guns,cannons, and fighting as the young rebels take on the french empire. It’s a longer battle scene than in Lincoln, but then again, they’re singing at the same time.

BEST ONE LINER:
Javert – “One day more till revolution, we will nip it in the bud, we’ll be ready for these schoolboys- they will wet themselves with blood.”

FOR FANS OF:
Star Wars, Fire Down Below

6.  BEASTS OF SOUTHERN WILD

220px-Beats-of-the-southern-wild-movie-poster

This is about a little girl named Hushpuppy who lives in a very poor community and how she sees the world. It’s set in a fictional town in Louisiana called the Bathtub. Also, there are these giant pigs who are awakened from the ice age and journey to meet the little girl.  I know. It’s crazy.

BEST ACTION SCENE:
They blow up a damn. There also is a daring escape from a relief center.

BEST ONE LINER:
HushPuppy – “I hope you die and after you die I’ll go to your grave and eat birthday cake all by myself!”

FOR FANS OF:
The Lost World: Jurassic Park

5. SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK

silver

Bradley Cooper plays a guy who had a bit of a mental breakdown after catching his wife cheating on him. He begins to put his life back together and meets a girl who is also a little mental. It’s also kind of about a dance competition, which isn’t very manly, but it also involves a lot of football, which I’m told is very manly.  Silver Linings is structured like a romantic comedy, but it’s so much more than that. Maybe it’s the perfect romantic comedy.

BEST ACTION SCENE:
Cooper beats up the dude who was sleeping with his wife. There is a big brawl at an Eagles game.

BEST ONE LINER:
Tiffany – “I’m just a crazy slut with a dead husband! Fuck you!”

FOR FANS OF:
Cliffhanger

4.LIFE OF PI

life

As an Indian dude and a boat full of zoo animals travel to America, a deadly storm leaves him all alone and stranded in the middle of the ocean. With a tiger. He is not friends with this tiger. The tiger wants to eat him. But he can’t run away from it because he is stranded in the middle of the ocean. It’s a pretty awesomely bad situation.

BEST ACTION SCENE:
The parts where the tiger is trying to eat the Indian.

BEST ONE LINER:
Pi – “With one word, my name went from an elegant French swimming pool to a stinking Indian latrine – I was pissing everywhere.”

FOR FANS OF:
Jumanji

3. ZERO DARK THIRTY

ZeroDarkThirty2012Poster

This is the true(?) story of the finding and killing of Bin laden. Most the movie is about the finding, which can be kind a slow.

BEST ACTION SCENE:
The killing part.

BEST ONE LINER :
Dan – “You know, I can always go eat with some other dude, hang you back up to the ceiling…”

FOR FANS OF:
Universal Soldier: Regeneration

2.ARGO

argo

A true story of the rescue of six Americans who hid in Iran during the hostage crisis. Ben Affleck goes undercover as a  Canadian film producer in hopes to get the six out of the country in the guise of a film crew. Argo is quite intense, and  a lot of fun. It’s  so immensely entertaining, it’s hard to believe it all really happened.

BEST ACTION SCENE:
Probably the opening U.S. Embassy takeover. This movie is definitely a thriller, and I think any action fan would enjoy it.

BEST ONE LINER:
Lester – “Argo fuck yourself.”

FOR FANS OF:
Casino Royale, Mission Impossible

1. DJANGO UNCHAINED

Django_Unchained_Poster__121225231208

This is the story of slave Django (the “d” is silent) who teams up with a bounty hunter to exact revenge on white plantation owners and free his slave wife. Here is the only true action movie in this oscar bundle. Lots of violence, blood, and bad-assery. But as an action fan, you’ve already seen this, right?

BEST ACTION SCENE:
The final shoot out where Django takes out everybody that’s left.

BEST ONE LINER:
Django -“I like the way you die, boy.”

FOR FANS OF:
Django Unchained

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